Clapping: An un-British institution.

British people are not good at clapping. If we could get through life without ever doing it, we would. We don't wish to clap unless we can be 100% certain that the rest of the audience will, lest we draw attention to ourselves and be negatively judged on our ability to have individual thoughts of appreciation.

To say that I've been thinking a lot about the Clap recently would be a cheap, crude and not even remotely funny joke, so i won't, but i have noticed curious behaviour in this regard. Working at the Sage allows me to observe audience behaviour and it always makes me laugh when an enthusiastic performer (often of an international bent) will start doing the familiar "overhead clap". This is intended to rouse the audience with a desperate proclamation that says "I'm having a great time! - perhaps you could prove to me that you are too by joining in". The audience do (begrudgingly) join in, but in doing so are so wracked with anxiety that their attention shifts slightly from listening to the performer to listening to the clapping too. They themselves will only continue to clap until such a time they deem it socially acceptable to stop.

The rules are:
1) You mustn't stop clapping before the performer stops, as to do so would simply make you look like a miserable bastard and, given the performer has recognised there's an audience in front of them, they will undoubtedly stop the performance completely and single you out for ridicule. That's a given.
2) When the performer has stopped clapping (pray he/she is not from latin america because they never stop), you can take this as a signal that you too can stop. However, you mustn't seem too keen to do so, else the miserable bastard accusations will again be lobbed in your direction. Instead, you must listen and observe those around you. It is inevitable that the people at the back of the room will stop clapping first (generally within 2 to 4 seconds) , as their features will be unrecognizable to the performer on stage, so no chance of being picked on. This behaviour will gradually work its way forward until only the people in the first few rows are left clapping. These people have a problem because they can hear that everyone else behind them has given up, but they are still in full view of the performer on stage, and thus still prone to being made an example of. At this point the "muted clap" should be mobilized: Continue to clap, but do so without making any actual noise. This way, the performer can still see people enjoying themselves via the medium of clap, while the rest of the audience will rightly assume you are on their side in staunchly resisting any desire to show appreciation of the entertainment you've all paid good money for.
3) It is vital, however, that the muted clap does not continue for too long beyond this point, else you run the danger of being the only audience member left clapping, and those close by will assume the person sitting next to you must be your carer. Avoid this by sticking to a timescale of 6-12 seconds.
4) Clapping is always recommended at the end of the show, regardless of whether you enjoyed it or not.

Please note: the more advanced workings of the Standing Ovation will be covered in a later chapter.